I do not react well to change that is forced upon me.  I prefer to create the change in my life, I like to be in control in my Vanilla life.  My teenage son has made a decision that is forcing change upon me.  I am struggling.
For more than three years now, I have been the sole constant parent in his life.  He and his father have struggled with any sort of relationship.  At times my son would see his dad on the weekends, at times they would go months without speaking.  I have always encouraged my son to reach out to his dad, to accept his dad for the way he is.  I believe kids should have the love and bond with both parents.
Last weekend my son went to his dad’s house.  He decided to stay all week and now has decided he wants to live with his dad and the new wife permanently.  I don’t want to let him.  I want to keep him close, sheltered from his father.  My ex-husband is very judgemental, controlling, depressed, and an alcoholic.  However, the new wife does seem to balance him out from what I have learned.  However, I am fearful, my son will be crushed by his father once again as he has in the past.  I don’t want to see him hurt. 
All of my heart says to prevent this from happening.  However, it is not my decision.  My son is older, he has good decision making skills and most of all….he craves a relationship with his dad.  Who am I to prevent that?
I will support my son on the surface, although it is killing me inside.  I will still see him some, every other weekend I hope. 
I am struggling with the change…not seeing my son every morning, day, and night.  I will miss him, however, I am proud of him for knowing what he wants and making the effort to get it.

Change….it is so hard on me.

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